Part one..

The blank paper stares back at me in mockery.
The few words that are scattered across the page
In what is a lame excuse for a thought,
Only add insult to injury.
Like it’s almost better to not have started writing.
No flow.
No rhythm.
No subject.
No body.
No purpose.
What quantity of thoughts my mind fabricates,
More than lacks in diversity.
You can’t write, Tucker.
You have no more Passion.
No Creativity.
No Words.
No Motivation.
No Will.
The words are laughing like a voice in a Haunted Halloween house.
Is that because I’m haunted?
Come to think of it, maybe.
Not maybe, yes.
I’m haunted every second of every day.
But, we all are.
Who doesn’t wake up in the morning or fall asleep at night thinking about some regret they’ve had in life?
I write these words in search of an answer.
But these are my words, and I have no answer.
So why am I writing to find one?
What is could possible stick out and give me an answer?
Hell, I don’t even know what answer I’m looking for.
Is there even an answer?
An answer to what though?
Love?
Loss?
Happiness?
Life?
Death?
No.
There can’t be.
If there is then it’s not your question to be answered, is it?
If I have a question that doesn’t have an answer, is that even a question?
What else would it be, Tucker?
I don’t know. Does anyone?
Probably not.
Or is that why we live life?
In search f those answers?
Maybe, but how do we know if we’ve found them if they don’t have an answer?
Or maybe they do have an answer.
But since, it’s not a universal answer, we have nothing to compare our findings to.
Someone told me that only consistent thing in life is change.
Why do we change though?
What makes us love, only to throw it away?
What makes us want to gain what we know we’ll lose?
And conversely, lose what we’ve gained so we can gain something new?
Why are we never contempt with filling our cups of life?
Is it the desire to better ourselves?
It has to be, Tucker.
But when do we know when we have all that we deserve?
We don’t. We can’t. Otherwise it’s like life has been put into our hands.
We would have no passion to get more than what we’re told.
No creativity to work around the adversity that life throws at us.
No motivation to better our current situation.
No will to better our lives.
Tucker, this whole this is stupid.
Why are you even writing this?
You told yourself that it’s not going to teach you anything.
So it can’t teach anyone else anything.
This entire thing is a mockery of poetry, Tucker
Stop this.
But never stop wondering.
There is so much to wonder about.
An infinite number, really.
Infinite isn’t a number though.
It’s an expression.
An expression to say that numbers are never ending.
But how else can we begin to fathom infinity if we didn’t give it a word.
We can’t imagine infinity. We have nothing to try and compare it to.
But by trying to put a label on something that doesn’t exist so that we can try to comprehend it, almost eliminates what was really there in the first place.
It isn’t as pure now.
By placing the word infinity for the fact that it lasts forever, we forget that it really does.
But nothing lasts forever, or so I’m told.
What makes love an exception?
You can ask anyone who is happily married that love lasts forever.
But, at the same time, experts in every field say that nothing lasts forever.
If love is the one thing that lasts forever and stands above all things,
Does that make it the answer?
Is love what drives our desire to better ourselves and those around us?
Is it love that makes us want to become more successful?
Is it love that can ease the pain of loss and death?
Is it the want to love and be loved in return that fuels our universe?
Do the sun, moon, and stars appear in rotation to give us motivation to try and compare what we are feeling to something in the universe?
Do birds sing the melodies that our hearts put forth when we are in love?
Or do we see the beauty in these everyday things because we are in love?


To be continued...

To be a kid again..

The imagination and mindset of a child is a wonder that no one will ever understand. Yet, it is one of the purest things on this earth. The imagination of a child is so creative, so intuitive, so free, so living, so loving, so involved.

I'm not a religious person, not yet at least. But someone once told me that they believe that angels spoke through the laughter of children and infants. That whenever they are smiling and laughing, you cannot help but smile yourself, no matter what mood you are in. I'm yet to find that untrue. I just wish what these "angels" were/are trying to say...

I only bring this up because today while I was folding napkins at work and thinking about everything that was going on, I wasn't in the best of moods. A family of three came back from dinner and immediately their 5 year old son came walking towards me.

"I have something for you!" he had proclaimed with the proudest smile a kid his age would ever be able to conjure.
"Oh, yeah? Well let's see it!" I couldn't quite figure out what the folded up piece of paper was. But as I opened it, for some god given reason, I couldn't help but start to have tears well up in my eyes.

As I unfolded it, the little boy looked at me with the eyes of a child seeing his living room on Christmas morning. I looked at the paper, and had to hold back a little chuckle. All it was was a child's word find from Bubba's restaurants. You know, one you used to color and stuff while you were waiting for your food.

I looked back at the boy and thanked him and he still had such a pure, golden, proud smile. I finally looked at his parents and asked with my eyes 'Why?' their kid had given me this.

"Because you both have the same name," the told me in unison.

Because we had the same name.

This young boy went out of his way to draw me pictures and try and find words, which he could not. With green crayon the most random letters were circled and squared in no way resembled any of the words he was supposed to find. Yet, in his mind, in his imagination, he did perfectly on this puzzle. He was so proud that he made me this piece of paper. This little boy went out of his way to make this for me. For me! Just because we had the same name...

I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I wish I had a point to this..

All I really know, is that when this boy gave me his word puzzle, I really felt lifted. I don't know if that's what angels do or anything, or if that is a god or higher power talking to me, but I felt lifted. I don't know how else to put it. I don't really know why I wrote this, but I felt compelled to. I know most of this doesn't make any sense.

I don't know why, but this piece of paper will stay with me for a long time...

I don't know...

:)

:):):):) :D

I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

Though the year isn't quite over, I feel compelled to write about it.

As each and every sunrise welcomed the coming day, it all just felt the same to me. Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Nothing new. But in hindsight, it was probably the most important year of my life. I graduated school, moved to a new home, laughed, smiled, cried, sang, played, danced, drank, swam, relaxed, lived, fell in love, lost, given and suffered a broken heart.

I met new people. And left many behind. Tried new things, and broke old habits. Got tickets. Made money and made memories. Been influenced, and helped many people along the way. I've spoiled myself, but more importantly others (most important, the one I love).

I've been a hero, and been a failure. Been happy and sad. Crushed and Shattered. Hopeful and energetic. Strong and composed. Been amazed and stunned. Found hope and love. But, yet to find myself..

Graduating from high school was, at the time, nothing too major. I did it just the way anyone else before me and everyone after me will. The summer following was one I'll never forget.

I left home. But in reality, I left so much more. There are so many people that loved me and truly cared about me back there. People who relied on me a lot of times to help them when they were down. Friends who no longer had someone they could trust to talk about anything to. Friends who lost one of the most important people in their lives (so I've been told). To all of you, I'm sorry.

When I was in Michigan, I failed to realize any of these things. I felt I was taken for granted. I felt no one really appreciated who I was to them. I may have never been so wrong about anything in my life. It wasn't until recently that I became aware of what I did to everyone, and now I'm afraid it may be too late to fix..


Moving to Idaho may have been one of the best choices of my life, as well as one of the worst. It's really hard to believe that it has been six months since I started fresh. I've made a few really great friends and met a girl I've never felt so passionate about.

Stayed up way too late, and spent way too much money. But I don't regret any of it. Though I know I'll never be remembered by any of the people here the way I will be in Michigan, I know that I bonded with people that care about me.

Claire has shattered my world on more than one occasion, but my feelings for her will always remain unwavering. I've really never met anyone like her. And I know I will never forget her. I feel we will get another shot at things somewhere down the road. And I dream of that day every night.

It's going to be hard to leave these guys behind, but I know they were fine before, so they'll be fine after me.

"Raise our glasses to nights that turned to mornings, moments that turned to memories, and friends that turned into family." It'll be tough to forget you guys..


Again, I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt in any way over the course of 2007.
I want to thank everyone who supported me through times of need throughout this past year.

Mom, I love you and tell you that I admire your strength in life.

Dad, you know I love you too, and thank you for all the talks and wisdom you've shared with me.

Lenny, it sucks that you're so far away. It'd be nice if we could see each other more often.

Dave, you're an asset to any one's life. You bring a lot to the table that usually goes unnoticed. I want to thank you for all that you've provided me over this past year.

Ashley, I'm sorry for ever leaving you and hurting you.

Guys, it took leaving to realize that no one will ever replace you guys. Don't ever change your ways. I'll see ya soon enough..

Claire. You are an amazing person. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. The way you life people's spirits without ever trying is a gift not many people in life can share. No matter how many times you think I'm just saying it to get a smile, you truly are beautiful. You'll do great things in life and touch almost everyone's life you come in contact with. Stay strong and don't let anyone ever waver your dreams and goals. Simply put, never change the person that you've become.... I will never forget you, or Sophia...I will always, ALWAYS, stay true to my promise...


To everyone else, I hope you lived this past year without any regrets and I hope 2008 brings peace, health, and happiness.


Don't forget to remember me, everyone.

Love,
Tucker

You should hold to these for a while while I see if I still need them...